Cervix of Steel, Dick of Kleenex: Wonder Woman & Superman’s Sex Life.

wondy v supes

So, first off let me apologize for going to this place so far across the line of good taste that I am in freaking Narnia at this point. This entire essay was born of a half drunken (one of us was still sober) txt conversation with a friend about Superman’s sex life, because we are geeks and these things happen. So again, I am so sorry about this.

Many people over the last 80 or so years have had a lot to say about Superman’s sex life. One of the biggest debates has been how could this super strong alien have ever safely sex with a mere mortal human like Lois Lane? His sperm is super strong and exits his penis at such a high velocity, because super strong alien, that if they ever had the sex he would kill her when he cums. This concern was first raised by Larry Niven’s in his essay “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” 42 years ago (Yep, 42 years old and we are still having this same argument). While the essay has never, ever, even remotely been DC comics cannon it is still often brought up to justify the shitting on of Clark Kent’s relationship with Lois Lane and how said relationship could never happen because of the literally killer sex. The argument often goes further on to state that the ideal mate for Superman is Wonder Woman, with whom he share the traits of super strength and genitalia of steel. Plus their outfits match. I am not here to argue about the first part. Nope. I am here to address an issue in regard to the fictional sex life of this particular superhero that no one has seemed to address yet. Which is shocking because so much ink has been spilled in regard to who Superman could and should fuck. I mean, if you are going to make the argument that super sex is dangerous to those who are not super and we adhere to the fictional rules set forth in the DC universe, than how in the world could Superman safely have sex with Wonder Woman? I mean, seriously. Sex with her would rip his dick right off.

“What?” You may ask. “But they are both super strong and therefore MADE for each other and they have matching outfits! It’s fate!” Ah, see my friend, that is where the common mistake is made. For while their strength levels are comparable, the origins of that strength come from two very different places and sadly the combination of the two would end up being like when the guy from dark matter universe met the guy from the light matter universe in that one episode of Star Trek: TOS. Only in this case instead of them being trapped in an eternal poorly choreographed fight scene by Kirk to save the universe from blowing up, Superman gets his dick ripped right off.

Let me make my case. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton, as we all know, and the source of his strength is from the unique interaction of the solar radiation from our yellow sun and his Kryptonian physiology. Which is why when he is in the light of a red sun he is pretty much a normal dude, I mean a six four wall of muscle, but he only has the proportional strength of a human of that same size and build. So his super strength is based on science, goofy made up comic book science, but science none the less.

Wonder Woman’s strength comes from magic. In any of her incarnations she is born of magic, be it made from clay and created by her mother’s love as in the origin written by George Perez, or the result of Hippolyta getting busy with the god of thunder Zeus, which makes her a mystical demi-goddess in the current canon, she is a creature of magic. Full Stop. Her strength is an innate part of her magical nature. All of her being is infused with magic. All of it. You see where I am going here, right?

See the thing is, Superman has weaknesses. We all know that he does. As I mentioned above exposure to red solar radiation means he loses his strength, and the seemingly endless variety of kryptonite laying around the DC verse all effects him detrimentally in plethora of ways, from green killing him all the way to pink kryptonite, which I shit you not, makes him a little gay (Way to be progressive there DC!). There is also a third weakness. It does not come up much but when it does it almost inevitably involves him getting his ass handed to him and this is relevant because Superman is vulnerable to magic. Yep, that’s right folks, the thing that is the source of Wonder Woman’s power, basically the source code of her very existence- the thing she is literally made of, is one of the things that can hurt Superman. It has been shown often in the past that magic effects Kal the same way it does everyone else. So, it is conceivable that in the throes of passionate love making or at least a really good fuck, that engaged with a full on magical cervix of steel clenching with the strength of a titan his dick would be as vulnerable to her magically gifted super strength as any other dudes because she, and by extension her cervix, is magical and magic can hurt him. You see where I am going here, right? Unless she is laying there like a sack of flour, his dick is going to get ripped right off when she cums.

Some may argue that he’s not extra vulnerable to her punches, so therefore the magic residing in her mythic vagina would not count as the type of magic he is vulnerable to, for reasons. (Because let’s face it, if he is vulnerable to magic, he is vulnerable to magic no matter where it may reside. Be it in a Excalibur or in Wonder Woman’s vag, magic is magic.) To these arguments I have two replies. One, if you do not think Diana of Themyscira, daughter of Zeus, chosen of Athena and Aphrodite, born from the myths of creation, champion of good, having sex would not be a magical act then you my friend have not been reading her comic for the last 30 years (the Perez run, read it, it’s amazing). Second, if you want to argue that Diana and Kal not being able to have sex for reasons of “Fake Magical Rules” is stupid and makes no sense than stop arguing that Clark Kent and Lois Lane cannot have sex because “Fake Science Rules”. The dude can fly, rip mountains in half, shoot fire out of his eyes and breathe arctic storms from his mouth, all this from “yellow” solar radiation. That is about as fake science as you can get, it is fake science to the point of being magic. And anyway who knows, maybe the magic of the Greek gods and Amazons of the DC comics universe is just very advanced science, after all “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Whatever this magic is, historically in the comics it has still effected Superman the same way it effects everyone else so I would ask you to address those complaints to the back issues of the entire run of DC. I guess my point is that these are all fake rules in a fake universe about fake people, and arguing about them as if they were real and had actual real life corollaries is stupid. In a fictional universe anyone can have sex with anyone else so long as the writers writing it want them to and if you cannot agree with that because the fictional alien, with made up impossible superpowers, absolutely cannot have sex with a human woman because of the rules then you have to accept the fact that Wonder Woman and Superman are doomed to a sexless relationship. Because if canon is canon than if they ever do it? She is going to rip his dick right off.

As True Today as the Day I First Wrote it on the Bathroom Wall!

carol danvers 2

So I wrote this a very long time ago for tumblr and as we are heading into that most magical time of the year, the summer movie season, I feel it is still relevant. There has been a lot of dog piling on DC for their inability to put together any sort of anything for freaking Wonder Woman. TV show, movie, anything. It is utter bullshit that these people can not figure out to do with one of the most iconic comic book characters of all time. It is a given fact that they are being morons. That said they are NOT alone. This summer there is going to be a movie out about a foul mouthed, car jacking, heavily armed outlaw raccoon who fly’s spaceships and his back up the ent who can only say “I am groot” along with some more humanoid eye candy off having adventures in the far reaches of space. If they can get the jaded movie goes of the world excited about that don’t you think it’s time we got a freaking Captain Marvel movie? So with that in mind here is what I wrote 2 years ago, with a few edits.

I have been sitting on this for a while, but I gotta say it.

Dudes it’s been 6 years. Why the fuck are you not making a freaking Captain Marvel/Carol Danvers movie or at the very least in the 2nd Avengers movie ? No, seriously. Why? She has this incredible back story, alien superpowers, snark, and so many issues. So. Very. Many. Issues.

I mean if you took all the man pain and awesome from Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor and rolled it up into a snarky blond in an awesome costume, WHO CAN FLY, you would have Ms Marvel. She has even been called “The House of Ideas premier heroine.”

She’s a patriot (Steve), a solider who fought for her country and no longer has a war (Steve as well). She is an on occasion not so recovering alcoholic (Tony), she can be a arrogant pain in the ass (Hello Tony again, with a side of Nordic god). She has freaking alien/cosmic powers (Thor) and she even has daddy issues to thrown on top of everything else. And seriously? Who on the current roister does NOT have daddy issues? (Bruce, Thor and Tony, so very much Tony, I am looking at your remarkably toned asses right now. Though I’m sure Steve and Clint have their fair share as well.)

Why throw away a golden opportunity to mix shit up and finally have a Superhero movie featuring a female character? I mean, Marvel is pulling out all of the stops for their movie verse and with that kind of backing we could have one hell of a Ms Marvel movie. With, like, a budget and a decent script and like a director who is not total crap and massively incompetent! Because? Those would be the reasons all previous movies featuring a female character have tanked (Electra and *shudders* Catwoman). They failed at the box office NOT because it was a girl in the lead, but because they WERE CRAP MOVIES! Put some actual effort in and trust me, people will show up. I mean there was concern that Thor would tank cause he’s not a “name” hero and look. It did incredibly well, BECAUSE IT WAS A GOOD SCRIPT WITH AN AMAZING DIRECTOR AND PEOPLE WHO CAN ACT. This is all you need.

And seriously, the time to strike is now. We are living in a post Buffy world here, we are ready to watch a woman kick ass. Hell, we are craving ass kicking ladies right now. So come on Marvel! GIVE THEM TO US!!!

DC is wandering around in circles with a bucket on it’s head in regards to a Wonder Woman movie and the totally botched (and thankfully never to haunt my TV) show and um… That would be about it. So DO IT!!! SEIZE THE DAY!!!

Um… So I did not intend to get up on this here soap box, but here I am nonetheless. So while I’m here, Uh, I guess… Stay is school? Don’t smoke? Wear Sunscreen? I guess I’m done.

Hey Marvel Studios, I’m still waiting.