Privilege, thy Name is Tony Stark

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Note: I am very mad at 616 Tony Stark right now.

I just realized at least one of the things that has seriously bothered me about whole The Illuminati concept in Marvel comics. Representation. For a group that is making decisions on behalf of the entire world they have only ONE person of color and NO WOMEN. Way to make “the big calls” guys, while ignoring the voices and opinions of HALF OF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET. This is the patriarchy. This is the 1%. This is white, male privilege in it’s most elevated form. This is why the Illuminati is a horrible idea.

NO Tony. You and the rest of the ruling class do not get to make decisions from your ivory towers on behalf of the planet “for our own good” without ever once thinking of listen to our opinions on the subject. “Daddy” is no longer in charge of the real world, you need to accept that and evolve a more inclusive perspective. Did it never once ever occur to you to have someone who was not a man with power in your boys club? Seriously, you could not think of a single woman to add to you little cabal? Or more then one person of color, who is actually pretty damn privileged himself as HE RULES A COUNTRY. I mean the closest you ever got to including a more “normal, everyday human experience” voice was the very white, very male Steve Rogers (Who also happens to be freaking Captain America, way to set the bar at a attainable height for the plebes Tony), and we all know how that ended. And that you can not see what is gross about this, the very fact that you and your secret society think that it is your right to do so, is a full on manifestation of the fact that the level of your privilege has seriously reached critical mass. You are not “good guys”, making “the hard calls”, and “doing what needs to be done”. You are the patriarchy, You are part of the problem.You are the bad guys here. And it needs to stop.

Now the only question remains. Does Marvel see this? Did they create this group of super powerful, mostly white, men to reflect how a ruling Oligarchy can be formed by those with power and privilege and no perspective? Did they look at this line up and say, yes this is going to end horrible because these are a bunch of rich dudes with no grasp of what life is like for anyone other than their own rarefied kind? Let us make a point about representation, politics and the toxic nature of the inherently biased system using theses characters to do so! Or did it honestly never occur to them that women would need a place at the table, because they pretty much created a sausage fest. And with the exception of T’challa?A remarkably white one at that. (And please, Beast does not count as a person of color. If you shave him dude is his original flavor caucasian pink.)

As mentioned above I am not happy with 616 Tony Stark right now, this like figuring out that my favorite Uncle is actually a sexist jerk. Which given the source code of his character really should not surprise me but I thought he had grown past that. I am not a happy camper.

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Cervix of Steel, Dick of Kleenex: Wonder Woman & Superman’s Sex Life.

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So, first off let me apologize for going to this place so far across the line of good taste that I am in freaking Narnia at this point. This entire essay was born of a half drunken (one of us was still sober) txt conversation with a friend about Superman’s sex life, because we are geeks and these things happen. So again, I am so sorry about this.

Many people over the last 80 or so years have had a lot to say about Superman’s sex life. One of the biggest debates has been how could this super strong alien have ever safely sex with a mere mortal human like Lois Lane? His sperm is super strong and exits his penis at such a high velocity, because super strong alien, that if they ever had the sex he would kill her when he cums. This concern was first raised by Larry Niven’s in his essay “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” 42 years ago (Yep, 42 years old and we are still having this same argument). While the essay has never, ever, even remotely been DC comics cannon it is still often brought up to justify the shitting on of Clark Kent’s relationship with Lois Lane and how said relationship could never happen because of the literally killer sex. The argument often goes further on to state that the ideal mate for Superman is Wonder Woman, with whom he share the traits of super strength and genitalia of steel. Plus their outfits match. I am not here to argue about the first part. Nope. I am here to address an issue in regard to the fictional sex life of this particular superhero that no one has seemed to address yet. Which is shocking because so much ink has been spilled in regard to who Superman could and should fuck. I mean, if you are going to make the argument that super sex is dangerous to those who are not super and we adhere to the fictional rules set forth in the DC universe, than how in the world could Superman safely have sex with Wonder Woman? I mean, seriously. Sex with her would rip his dick right off.

“What?” You may ask. “But they are both super strong and therefore MADE for each other and they have matching outfits! It’s fate!” Ah, see my friend, that is where the common mistake is made. For while their strength levels are comparable, the origins of that strength come from two very different places and sadly the combination of the two would end up being like when the guy from dark matter universe met the guy from the light matter universe in that one episode of Star Trek: TOS. Only in this case instead of them being trapped in an eternal poorly choreographed fight scene by Kirk to save the universe from blowing up, Superman gets his dick ripped right off.

Let me make my case. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton, as we all know, and the source of his strength is from the unique interaction of the solar radiation from our yellow sun and his Kryptonian physiology. Which is why when he is in the light of a red sun he is pretty much a normal dude, I mean a six four wall of muscle, but he only has the proportional strength of a human of that same size and build. So his super strength is based on science, goofy made up comic book science, but science none the less.

Wonder Woman’s strength comes from magic. In any of her incarnations she is born of magic, be it made from clay and created by her mother’s love as in the origin written by George Perez, or the result of Hippolyta getting busy with the god of thunder Zeus, which makes her a mystical demi-goddess in the current canon, she is a creature of magic. Full Stop. Her strength is an innate part of her magical nature. All of her being is infused with magic. All of it. You see where I am going here, right?

See the thing is, Superman has weaknesses. We all know that he does. As I mentioned above exposure to red solar radiation means he loses his strength, and the seemingly endless variety of kryptonite laying around the DC verse all effects him detrimentally in plethora of ways, from green killing him all the way to pink kryptonite, which I shit you not, makes him a little gay (Way to be progressive there DC!). There is also a third weakness. It does not come up much but when it does it almost inevitably involves him getting his ass handed to him and this is relevant because Superman is vulnerable to magic. Yep, that’s right folks, the thing that is the source of Wonder Woman’s power, basically the source code of her very existence- the thing she is literally made of, is one of the things that can hurt Superman. It has been shown often in the past that magic effects Kal the same way it does everyone else. So, it is conceivable that in the throes of passionate love making or at least a really good fuck, that engaged with a full on magical cervix of steel clenching with the strength of a titan his dick would be as vulnerable to her magically gifted super strength as any other dudes because she, and by extension her cervix, is magical and magic can hurt him. You see where I am going here, right? Unless she is laying there like a sack of flour, his dick is going to get ripped right off when she cums.

Some may argue that he’s not extra vulnerable to her punches, so therefore the magic residing in her mythic vagina would not count as the type of magic he is vulnerable to, for reasons. (Because let’s face it, if he is vulnerable to magic, he is vulnerable to magic no matter where it may reside. Be it in a Excalibur or in Wonder Woman’s vag, magic is magic.) To these arguments I have two replies. One, if you do not think Diana of Themyscira, daughter of Zeus, chosen of Athena and Aphrodite, born from the myths of creation, champion of good, having sex would not be a magical act then you my friend have not been reading her comic for the last 30 years (the Perez run, read it, it’s amazing). Second, if you want to argue that Diana and Kal not being able to have sex for reasons of “Fake Magical Rules” is stupid and makes no sense than stop arguing that Clark Kent and Lois Lane cannot have sex because “Fake Science Rules”. The dude can fly, rip mountains in half, shoot fire out of his eyes and breathe arctic storms from his mouth, all this from “yellow” solar radiation. That is about as fake science as you can get, it is fake science to the point of being magic. And anyway who knows, maybe the magic of the Greek gods and Amazons of the DC comics universe is just very advanced science, after all “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Whatever this magic is, historically in the comics it has still effected Superman the same way it effects everyone else so I would ask you to address those complaints to the back issues of the entire run of DC. I guess my point is that these are all fake rules in a fake universe about fake people, and arguing about them as if they were real and had actual real life corollaries is stupid. In a fictional universe anyone can have sex with anyone else so long as the writers writing it want them to and if you cannot agree with that because the fictional alien, with made up impossible superpowers, absolutely cannot have sex with a human woman because of the rules then you have to accept the fact that Wonder Woman and Superman are doomed to a sexless relationship. Because if canon is canon than if they ever do it? She is going to rip his dick right off.